The Most Important Lesson

What do you think the most important Bible lesson is to teach? Obviously the cross – the death and resurrection of Jesus – takes preeminence in any conversation, but that aside, then what? It seems to me that the story of creation would be that lesson. It is appropriate for all ages; a lesson that can never be outgrown.

Creation is so important because it is so relevant. It is inescapable. Everyone, today, will see evidence of God’s handiwork. They may not give Him credit, but it is there nonetheless. The curious part of our human nature will always wonder about the created things of the earth. God is so artistic in His creation – it is impossible as humans not to revel in its sight. Even evolutionists are amazed at how creatures such as humans, cows, apes, dogs and cats could be transformed from single-cell organisms to the intricate, complex beings that they are. Whatever happened to put us here on the earth was undeniably incredible!

God is so kind to us. Not only did He create the world and all that is in it, He gave us senses so that we could enjoy it. Five of them! What a joy it is to wake up in the morning to the sound of birds busily flitting about. How sweet the smell of honeysuckle, the touch of soft fur, the taste of…well for me that would be Bojangles tea, but I guess that is more a personal choice. And to see a sunrise over the ocean…

Today, two things reminded me that summer is coming. First, the notice came in the mail that our neighborhood pool is opening up this weekend. Yeah!!! We spend many a summer day – and night – being lazy at the pool. Enjoying the sun, the water, the friends that we play with – we have many good memories of summers at the pool. And the other: I saw a firefly tonight – the first one I have seen this spring. Fireflies bring memories of my grandparent’s house, where my grandfather would drill small holes in the tops of jars for us to catch them in. We would run around the yard from dusk until dark trying to fill up our jar. At the end of the night, we had to let them go, of course, and to watch them stream from the jar like a bunch of glowing balloons, floating up into the night sky was unforgettable.

The lessons we learn from the story of creation and the study of nature serve only to draw us closer to God:

Romans 1:20
For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse. (emphasis mine)

Hebrews 10:16
This is the covenant I will make with them after that time, says the Lord. I will put my laws in their hearts, and I will write them on their minds.

The laws of God are in our heart, which include the laws of the natural order. God has created man for a purpose – to glorify Him – and each man for his purpose, his way to glorify God. There is an inherent, unexplainable meaning and order to life that is written on our hearts. All this is to draw us near to our Creator, to enter into a covenant, a promise, a relationship with Him. Once we have taught the lesson of creation, it lends itself perfectly to the lesson of the cross. How else to culminate God’s love for His creation in that He sent His Son to die in order to redeem it? So, teach creation and then teach the cross – you are never to young to hear it for the first time and never too old to hear it again.

Are you Gracious?

You know that look. You can read it all over their face. There’s a huge mess somewhere and you’re going to have to clean it up. They are obviously sorry, but it is so frustrating - they were just careless and childish.

How do you react?

One thing I have managed to learn through parenting my children is that when I get upset – like in the situation above – I need to keep my mouth shut. My first instinct is to overreact. I have had my fair share of times when I have given in to the urge and not practiced self-control, to my chagrin and to no good end.

But what of I could turn that moment into a blessing? Is there some way I could bless my children at that point of vulnerable regret? I could give grace. Grace does not excuse a wrongdoing or even take away the consequence, grace says - ‘Your mistake has not hurt our relationship. I am not angry with you and I still love you.’ It may sound like, “Sweetie, that’s ok. Sometimes things like that happen. Why don’t you help me clean it up?” But it says much more. It says I love you so much to not let this come between us.

To some people, this comes naturally. My sister-in-law is an extraordinarily gracious woman. I don’t think she’s ever been mad a day in her life. I can remember when her son was small she rarely chastised or scolded him. She was always so gracious when he failed. She would correct him, but not scold him. Did she ever err on the side of leniency? Maybe at times. But it was still a great lesson for me in showing grace.

What of my mindset were that I want my children (spouse, friends, etc) to fail just so I would have the opportunity to show grace? Would I look forward to that sheepish face just so I could, with grace, replace it with relief and joy? What would my relationships look like? How would my children approach failure? How loved would my spouse feel?

I am not one to naturally extend grace. As mentioned before, a good reaction for me is to not have one. What if when people came to me seeking forgiveness they knew they were going to have a positive response? Sound familiar? Jesus always responded to a broken and humble heart with grace. There is never a time when we bow before him with a humble heart seeking forgiveness that He won’t give it – without a lecture. In a all my ways that I would seek to be Christ-like, this is the one with which I struggle the most. But when I recall all my failures and the generous way He has extended grace to me it helps me to be a more gracious person.

Should I Have or Not?

Not to be cryptic, but to protect the innocence (and pride) of those in my family about whom I choose to blog, this post may sound a little intentionally vague. But hopefully I will be able to communicate well without mortifying my children.

We have had a little issue come up in our family. It could be any number of concerns and no doubt you probably have had a similar topic come up in your family. My question here is how do you go about addressing some of the more sensitive matters that come up in family life?

I started off addressing this issue casually about a year ago. I made little comments and suggestions about changes that might be helpful to make. I was hopeful these little hints along the way would be sufficient to promote the behavior change I was seeking. However (and I mentioned this started a year ago), our issue had not improved and I was beginning to get a little desperate.

Yesterday, the issue came up again. Finally, I had had enough and just spelled out my concerns in a straight-forward and succinct manner. I tried to do so in love and grace, but it was essentially a blast of cold reality. And it hurt. It hurt my child in hearing what I had to say and it hurt me by saying it. But ultimately I really felt like I had reached a point where I was not able to get my point across without being blunt.

I suggested to my child that it was good for me to be honest and better than one of their friends being embarrassingly frank with them. This was conceded, but did not seem to do much for lessening the blow. I really felt terrible. I truly believed that the only way I could get my point across was to be so real that it hurt.

Should I have or not? I don’t know. Only time will tell. I have a feeling I will be asking that question a lot more in the future. The good news is that I don’t have to worry about parenting perfectly – I can’t do it. I am going to make mistakes (perhaps like this one) and my mistakes provide God the opportunity to extend grace to both me and my children. My children as they come before Him with their hurts and seek His soothing touch to bind their wounds; me, the grace to forgive me when I fail and the wisdom to help me discern those times in which I need to seek forgiveness. I am truly grateful to a kind and generous God who is perfect when I am not.

I know some of you are...umm...lacking focus, not able to pay attention to any of this post out of curiosity for what our issue was. Let’s just say appearance. I think that’s vague enough and yet from that point, you can imagine satisfactorily how these comments might pertain to you. So now go back and re-read the post. :)

He Used to be Good

He was such a sweet boy. Very conscientious, always got his school work done. Behaved well in school – all the teachers loved him. My friends marveled at his clean room. He was such a good boy. And then he turned twelve. Oh my. Who is this child? My mild-mannered, gentile child has turned into a hyper, rambunctious, sneaky (and smelly) pre-teen. How did this happen?

There are various stages to a child’s development. Baby, preschool, elementary, preteen, teen and young adult (very broadly stated). As someone who works with kids, I have an age preference of children – I like 1st graders. They are old enough to read (in part) on their own, potty on their own and write a bit, yet still young enough to typically want to please adults and behave fairly well.

Other people like babies, or preschoolers and some even (bless their hearts) enjoy working with teenagers. In general most people have an age at which they really enjoy children, teaching others or even just their own. Children have ages at which they thrive and others that they sort of muddle through. For example, that rowdy four year old who never cries when he gets hurt (DOES he get hurt?) but gives the teachers a headache each week at church makes a really good basketball player in elementary school. Aggressive, scrappy – he’s not afraid of anything, let alone a ball! Then you have kids like my son, who has been a parental delight all these years, who seems to have hit a bump in the road. Not that he’s a bad kid – he’s great – he just…different. Which means I have to parent differently.

I am thankful for those adults who have come alongside our family to help grow our children. Classroom teachers, Sunday school teachers, coaches – people have invested in my children’s lives and influenced them in ways that I can’t. Up to this point, all my son’s teachers have loved him and spoke highly of him. Now that he is in middle school, he apparently acts a little differently. He is a little more high-maintenance for the youth workers who are pouring their lives into middle school students. I am so grateful that these adults are willing to help shape and mold him into a godly young man. At times you see the reverse – a child who in elementary school was difficult to manage begins to blossom into a respectful, maturing teenager. For those children, I am grateful for the adults who were willing to patiently teach him about self-control when he was younger. Kids change as they go through different stages.

So, today was the first time my son has gone away on a youth trip overnight, out of town. He was super-excited, charged up and I felt a little sorry for the people who had to ride with him in the confines of a vehicle the six hours it takes to drive up there. I was wondering how we were going to do the “goodbye” thing. I know enough not to kiss him, so I just asked him – “Do I get a hug? A fist bump? How do we say good bye?” He gave me a silly little grin and then gave me a hug (a side squeeze) and that was it. No fanfare, no drama, just a side squeeze. In our new paradigm of parenting, that was all the goodbye I got. And that was enough.

I didn’t cook dinner last night

…and we still ate at home! As my children mature we are discovering talents, abilities and hobbies that they develop. I am blessed that my daughter has taken up a liking for cooking. (She has also developed a fondness for keeping the house clean, but I am not so good at that one yet.)

I was preparing to make dinner last night when she bounces into the kitchen and asks “Can I make dinner tonight?” very cheerfully. At first I was reluctant – she wanted to make breakfast for dinner, not what I had planned and she would probably need some help. So, either way, I was going to end up in the kitchen - it would be easier for me to just do it myself. But, the truth is, how often am I going to hear that request? I decided the best thing to do was to let her cook while she wanted to. I am sure there will come a time when she is expected to cook, and she will not be so excited about it.

As we began to work together in the kitchen, I began to see we each have very different approaches to cooking and working in the kitchen. Being new to the kitchen, she has a trial and error method. My idea of teaching her is telling her what to do. That did not work at all. She has to learn by doing it herself, making mistakes and correcting (over-correcting, re-correcting, etc).

Isn’t that they way children learn, anyway? And we are there to help prevent catastrophe, offering guidance and wisdom along the way. As she cultivates her own style of learning, I am seeing that she approaches challenges in a different way than I do. Her fresh, child-like perspective causes me to think about the way she found a solution and even consider the solution itself. It’s not always like mine.

I think have to learn to open myself up to see her own individuality and that she brings something to the table that I can’t. God put her in our family for a reason and she compliments us very well. We work well together as a team, each one with their own parts. I am thankful for the privilege it is to be her mother. As we grow together, I might just learn a little something along the way, too.

What Love Really Means

I really don’t like it when people compliment my kids on how pretty or handsome they are. Men and women both do it: “Aren’t you the prettiest little thing!” “What a handsome boy!”. People do that to kids all the time. It teaches them from a very young age that people will appreciate you for the way you look. I never want my kids to think that. I want them to know that I love them for who they are and that nothing can change my love for them.

In the past, especially when my children were young, I would compliment them on their character. “Thank you for being so helpful!” or “That was so grown-up of you to treat your sister so kindly!”. I wanted to encourage their good behavior. I am of the philosophy that whatever you expect of children is what they will produce. If you expect them to be kind and loving towards their sibling, you let them know that is what you expect of them. If you expect them to listen to you in the grocery store, if they realize that is your expectation, they will generally live up to it. They don’t want to disappoint you – even at a very early age.

But now, as my children grow older, they become more in touch with who they really are. And the truth is, regardless of our behavior we are utterly and wholly sinful. Genesis 6:5 says “”The Lord saw how great man’s wickedness on the earth had become and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time.” That’s pretty clear. There is absolutely nothing lovable or redeemable about us in ourselves. As kids start to understand sin more, they begin to see this truth in their heart. Yes, they may act nice to their brother, but the truth is, Brother is driving me crazy and all I want to do right now is tell him to “Shut Up!” and smack him in the face. Action only hides the true intention of our heart. Isn’t that true of us sometimes? We may be nice to someone to their face, but as soon as we are out of earshot, we grumble and complain against them. I am guilty of that. I know what my outside behavior should be and I submit to those social controls, but that’s all they really are and my heart inside me is sinning against my brother.

Kids begin to see this in themselves. All of a sudden, when mom or dad encourages me for my good behavior, they start to wonder “Is that why they love me? Because if they do, I really don’t think I am loveable”.

Just to make sure my kids know I love them for who they are, I talked with them today. “Do you know what sin is”? I asked. “Yes”, they nodded. “And do you know that you, as are all people, are full of sin and that really there is nothing good in us”. “Yes” they nodded again. “Did you know there is nothing you can do that can make me love you more and nothing you can do to make me love you less? I love you because you are my child”.

Silence.

I was stunned. What have I been teaching my children if not that I love them completely because they are my child? What if, instead I have been teaching my children that my love for them is not unconditional? I have completely failed as a parent if that is the case.

1 Corinthians 13: 1-3 “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all the mysteries and knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I posses to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love I gain nothing.”

If I teach my children to memorize scripture; if I teach them it is necessary and good for believers to gather together and go to church; if I teach them to treat others with love and respect; if I teach my children to faithfully have a quiet time every day with the Lord and teach them not that I love them unconditionally, I have not done my God-given job as a parent.

But it’s never too late. It’s never too late to tell them every day that you love them only because they are your child, and there is nothing they can do to earn or lose your affection. I am thankful that my children are young enough that they have only now begun to fully comprehend the darkness of their heart that I still have plenty of time to reinforce my love for them. Maybe that’s why middle schoolers struggle so much with identity and self-worth. If I can help them now to see who they really are and that they are fully known and fully loved by God despite that, perhaps they will be able to focus on that truth and handle better the challenges they will face as tweens and teens. If I have equipped them with that ability, I am one step closer to fulfilling my parental responsibilities well.

Today I drove slowly

It’s been a while since I got a speeding ticket. I am proud of that, because I certainly have received my fair share. For the most part I was young and careless, and the process of time (and expensive tickets) has helped to temper my lead foot. But there is still always a residual tendency for me to floor it.

But not today. My daughter and I were on the way home from dropping off her friend at home. It’s been a whirlwind weekend with three sleepovers in a row and I am ready for a good night’s sleep. So I am ready to get home. And tempted to speed. But a beautiful song had come on the radio and my sweet daughter was singing along.

Oh my.

Yes, she has sung tunes before, but never has she sung when I knew she really meant what she was singing. She was singing a prayer to God about His unchanging and unconditioned love. What a joy to a Mother’s heart to know her child actually – to some degree – is comprehending the unfathomable depths of God’s love for her.

I have had moments to treasure before – like Mary – and they are all precious to me. But this one is particularly special. All the other treasure moments are my children expressing their love to me, or even understanding the depths of my love for them. Or moments of accomplishment and success. But this was different. I am sure she has had moments of intimacy with God before, but I never before had the privilege of witnessing it.

So I drove slowly – all the way home. I wanted to treasure that moment deep in my heart for as long as I possibly could. I am so glad I did, because now the moment is gone and just a memory. We’re back home – to baths, bedtime and getting ready for school the next day. The sanctity of that moment is lost…but not forgotten.